Movie Theater Mishap Brings Death For Man Who Got Head Stuck in Dangerous Theater Seat

So, the saying "Take your head out of your ass." was apparently misinterpreted recently in jolly old England when a poor unfortunate gentlemen was killed when he got his head stuck where his bum should have been.  The gentleman's head was crushed by a reclining theater seat as he searched for his lost cell phone after the show.

Variety.com reported that the man had dropped his phone and was trying to retrieve it in between the theater’s Gold Class seats. After he bent down, the reclining, electric seat’s footrest clamped down on the man’s head. He was attending a film with his partner, who reportedly became frantic as the man started to panic upon realizing he was stuck. Staff and other patrons at the cinema struggled to free him, but eventually broke him out of the entrapment. He later passed away at a local hospital due to complications.

The Birmingham City Council has started a health and safety investigation into the horrible theater accident and into which horrible piece of garbage Hollywood film this guy was watching before the incident occurred.

Poor Lad.

Chinese Toxic Space Station Crashing into Earthly Neighborhood Near you... Soon!

China's Rogue Space Station Tiangong-1 is reported to be crashing into Earth next week and if that's not bad enough, according to the Daily Star UK, the OUT-OF-CONTROL space station is packed with “cancer causing” chemicals that could hit several major world cities!

 Officials in China are preempting the crash with this apology, “So sorry for turning one of your finest cities into hammered shit. But please continue to buy more of our cheap toxic toys and poisonous stuff.” They actual didn’t say this but with all the fake news these days we thought it was probably close to what they were thinking.

 Here is some data on the inevitable toxic bomb headed barreling towards civilization:

• China’s first prototype station Tiangong-1 will come crashing back to the planet between March 30 and April 6.
• The doomed 8.5-tonne craft, which has been hurtling towards Earth since control was lost in 2016, is believed to contain dangerous hydrazine. 

The Daily Star U.K. references Aerospace, a US research organization based in El Segundo, California that says the following cities on high alert:

• Boston, MA 
• Des Moines, IA
• Detroit, MI 
• Milwaukee, WI
• Philadelphia, PA
• Salt Lake City, UT
• Florence, Italy
• Monaco City 
• Sochi, Russia
• Trelew, Argentina
• Christchurch, New Zealand
• Sapporo, Japan 

 Good Luck Earth - The Sky is Really Falling!

Poop and Run Jogger Makes Neighbors feel Like Hammered Shit

Shit happens to us all.  You go out to get the morning paper or to bring in the trash cans and then boom, you step in a big pile of rouge German Sheppard poop.  Not the nicest thing to wake up to in the morning but it could be worse!

Police in Colorado Springs are searching for a women jogger who has been shitting on her neighbors lawns while out for a run.   The "Mad Pooper" as she has been nicknamed is sort of like a modern day Big Foot - everyone is looking to catch a precious glimpse of this stinky culprit.

Resident Cathy Budde says her kids saw the woman mid-squat and came running back in the house to tell her.

“They are like, ‘There’s a lady taking a poop!’ So I come outside, and I’m like … ‘are you serious?'” Budde said to the runner  “‘Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids?!’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry!'”

Read more about the brown bomber here and for that Colorado Springs neighborhood who has to deal with this hammerd shit - we feel for you!

If you can identify the runner, please call the Colorado Springs Police Department at 719-444-7240.

Chicago Offers Advice on how to not feel like hammered shit after being nuked by North Korea

The city of Chicago recently offered it's citizens pretty much the Cliff Notes version of how to survive a thermonuclear blast.  I mean didn't the city office of emergency staff see the 1983 nuclear war move The Day After? The sanitized advice and step by step bulleted points are nice, clean, detailed but come on, no advice is going to make up for the destruction and feelings of hammered shit after it all is said and done. Geez! Just ask Jason Robards or Steve Guttenberg how it all turned out.

Here is the Chicago Survival Guide for the Nuclear Holocaust:

IF YOU ARE NEAR THE BLAST:

• Turn away and close and cover your eyes to prevent damage to your sight
• Drop to the ground face down and place your hands under your body
• Remain flat until the heat and two shock waves have passed

IF YOU ARE OUTSIDE WHEN THE BLAST OCCURS:

• Find something to cover your mouth and nose, such as a scarf, handkerchief, or other cloth
•  Remove any dust from your clothes by brushing, shaking, and wiping in a ventilated area. However, cover your mouth and nose while you do this.
• Move to a shelter, basement, or other underground area, preferably located away from the direction that the wind is blowing.
• Remove clothing since it may be contaminated. If possible, take a shower, wash your hair, and change clothes before you enter the shelter.

IF YOU ARE ALREADY IN A SHELTER OR BASEMENT:

•  Cover your mouth and nose with a facemask or other material (such as a scarf or handkerchief) until you know that the fallout cloud has passed.
• Shut off ventilation systems and seal doors or windows. After the fallout cloud has passed, unseal the doors and windows to allow some air circulation.
• Stay inside until authorities say it is safe to come out
• Listen to the local radio or television for information and advice. Authorities may direct you to stay in your shelter or evacuate to a safer place.
• If you must go out, cover your mouth and nose with a damp towel
• Use stored food and drinking water. Do not eat local fresh food or drink water from open water supplies.
• Clean and cover any open wounds on your body

This infographic form the CDC pretty much sums it up - we are all going to feel like hammered shit if this happens!  Good luck and God bless!

Monkey Attacks Girl in Texas Convenience Store... That's right... Texas, U.S.A.

Imagine going into a convenience store for a soda pop, candy bar or coffee and being accosted by someone's pet monkey.  According to Fox News this happened at a Terrel, Texas Buc-ee's convenience store off of I-20.

Police are now engaged in a man / poo-flinging vampire monkey hunt to make sure the beast is up to dates on its shots.

When all you wanted was a convenience store Iceee and in return you get bit by a rabid monkey -  kind of makes you feel like hammered shit.

Feeling Like Hammered Shit? Welcome Home

Welcome to HammeredShit.com, a Splattering of News And Events That Will Make You Feel Like Hammered Shit!  What is hammered shit?  Good question.  The term hammered shit has been used in one form or another by Hollywood, the Military, party-goers, recent roadkill and pretty much everyone that has at one point in time felt worse than terrible in there own little hell.  We're sure you have your very own definition but here is how Urban Dictionary defines Hammered Shit:

• A person who finds themselves in this state should under no circumstances operate heavy machinery, vehicles of any type, firearms, explosives, small children, the elderly, the disabled, business meetings, bathing, feeding one self (chance of ingesting a dodgy doner kebab), bowels movements (chance of soiling one self), dressing, french poodles, a professional kick boxing match, and generally any task that involves coherent thought and/or co-ordination.

• Infantry slang for splattered guts, or blown to bloody pieces, to include intestines, bowel, and stomach contents

• Ugly. Most God awfull ugly one can imagine

• A mind, physical, or combination of both, state that is the result of over indulging and lack of sleep during a night out. 2. A state that may occur when violently ill, possibly because of definition 1., or a legitimate illness. 3. A state that may occur after the “shit hammered” stage. 

Again welcome to hammeredshit.com and when things aren't going your way and you feel like complete hell please stop on by and see how the rest of the world is feeling.

H.S.